turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
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Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know