Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
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When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!