The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
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According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
welcome back
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
so this horse walks into a bar
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
we all know this pain all too well
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him