“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
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Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ