The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

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911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed


When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”



2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools


At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.


creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.


white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt


Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.


So I called up the Captain, please bring me my wine. He said: “ma’am, this is a cruise. Please don’t call me again if there’s no emergency”


I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)


Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.