@JPLFR80

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

- @JPLFR80

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@ConorTripler

my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner

@iTomFoolery

I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

@copymama

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

@Reverend_Scott

????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

@Gupton68

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

@InternetHippo

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

@Thynebear

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

@AnOrangeSNES

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

@elizaskinner

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.