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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Motel 6: We鈥檒l leave a light on.
Motel 6鈥檚 Dad: You will not.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that鈥檚 how we keep our marriage fresh
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT鈥橲 NOT COOL!
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It鈥檚 called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: this math stuff isn鈥檛 gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.