Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?