The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[eats all your cotton candy]
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
WHAT SIGN IS SHE