excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Tastes like chicken.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
6. me as a lawyer
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs