The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
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I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.