FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
…u ok Nintendo?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”