the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Try and stop me.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I am never leaving this website
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.