@kenzianidiot

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

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@AbbieEvansXO

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

@peachesanscream

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

@WildeThingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@jjhartinger

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

@themiltron

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

@stuckinaportal

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

@TheToddWilliams

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

@DanMentos

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

@sofarrsogud

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.