Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
You Might Also Like
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*
*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.