[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
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I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
If vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?