The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

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[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light


I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.


Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.


[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*


[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already


The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.


stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?


If vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?