The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
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[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Cheer up.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?