The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
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How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
All is fair in drunk and war.