the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

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Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen


HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.


My husband’s doing that cute thing again where he thinks he’s right.

*throws his shit out on the lawn*

*makes a bonfire*


doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no


Excited to announce that I am running for city council! Oops, typo. I am running from city council!


*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable


I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old


RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but


Him: This house is perfect for us!
Her: What about the kids?
Him: You’re right. We’ll have to put them up for adoption