the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away