the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
You Might Also Like
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down