The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?