The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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Good boy 😂😂
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too