Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
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SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
CRYING
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*