The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
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It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Called it
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Who says great literature is dead?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap