@clifba

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

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@HenpeckedHal

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

@MarfSalvador

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

@jpbrammer

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

@trojansauce

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess

@dahrae_

shout out to the guy at the asian grocery store line who turned around, looked me dead in the eyes, and said “i was there when the world ended,” sending me into immediate fear.

he was talking about final fantasy 14, and i was wearing my ff14 zip up.

@redpawn3

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

@Tmoney68

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

@ArfMeasures

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small