The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
S O O N
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.