the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
pep talk
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered