The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”