The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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Go hard or stay average
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day