@prufrockluvsong

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

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@liv_thatsme

Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day

@CandyEmpires

I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.

@dongfuture

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

@veggiefemme

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

@OfficeofSteve

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

@Dr_powpow

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.

@SortaBad

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”