@prufrockluvsong

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

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@allisonjp

When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.

@daveexplosm

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

@carlyken

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

@steeve_again

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

@3sunzzz

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

@krishna_van

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

@Marlebean

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath