Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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Mom is closed.
When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath