The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
Me: I’m a mature adult
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