The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
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I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Need WebMD
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
hackers play passwordle
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.