@calicocats420

the waitress at waffle house just apologized bc she lost her train of thought when tracy chapman fast car came on

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@jacksfilms

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

@ClichedOut

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

@AbbyHasIssues

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

@sixfootcandy

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

@theyearofelan

This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of “who ate all the cookies?”

@StarWarsProblms

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

@that1bish27

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

@HatfieldAnne

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

@KenJennings

The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.

@human_not_bees

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.