Always
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Lmao