The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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I am crying
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Wise advice
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.