The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
You Might Also Like
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍