“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.