I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
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I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Happy Thanksgiving
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Leaving the Barbers like
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.