If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
You Might Also Like
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories