Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
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7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up