The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
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Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!