Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I’m not green with envy that’s just an infection.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
~A parenting haiku.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?