@WetzelGeek

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

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@LoveBrittany

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

@ObscureGent

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

@isabelzawtun

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

@DaddyJew

Apparently shouting out “he has a gun” isn’t the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.

@CatsVsHumanity

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

@sock_holliday

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

@TheAlexNevil

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

@sonictyrant

Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer

Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?

Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin