@causticbob

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

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@SatansTongue

(Macbeth and lady Macbeth)
“I killed King Duncan”
Macbeth wtf!!
“You told me to!!”
I didn’t think you’d do it omg lmao savage

@ObscureGent

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

@LMFOFL

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

@Brianhopecomedy

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

@ch000ch

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

@girl_a_whirl

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*