Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I lost money and friends this year, I just want the money back.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she’s not yelling.
-my kids, watching me sleep