The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.


I lost money and friends this year, I just want the money back.


It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.


Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.


Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.


[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room


It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.


Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she’s not yelling.

-my kids, watching me sleep