The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

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Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”


Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn’t even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues


Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.


I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.


How long do you have to listen to a person tinkling the spoon against the side of the cereal bowl before the homicide becomes justifiable?


If LeBron is better than Jordan, then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never asked for his help in a game in space. Can’t argue with facts.


*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*


party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which