@PAT_E_ROCK

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

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@Elizasoul80

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

@TedInModeration

Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn’t even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues

@Izianikapani

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

@Scorpio1080

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

@R0ckG0d88

How long do you have to listen to a person tinkling the spoon against the side of the cereal bowl before the homicide becomes justifiable?

@robfee

If LeBron is better than Jordan, then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never asked for his help in a game in space. Can’t argue with facts.

@Smooheed

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

@meganamram

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which