The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct