@thatdutchperson

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

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@ilovepie84

Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.

@TiredMomLife

I need to increase my water intake.
I need to increase my water intake.
I need to increase my water intake.
I need to increase my water intake.

…oh look, coffee!

@sixfootcandy

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

@supermarkusa

9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”

@rcromwell4

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

@magicChopstick

Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin’ in his camper van
Kickin’ back, drinkin’ booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
Hang on
That is not Spider Man

@ellewasamistake

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

@mela_shea

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

@Sickayduh

[Titanic]
Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-

“What about Leo?”

Steward: No. Leo dies.