The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
You Might Also Like
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.