The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”