The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.