The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Many hands make light work