The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
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Alexa: *deep breath*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Cake!!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.