The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
You Might Also Like
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Pretty much. 🤣
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!