My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
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ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
So when married people take you on a tour of their house and show you the bedroom and say with a chuckle ‘this is where the magic happens’ they’re not talking about sex they’re talking about sleep
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
An alarm clock that releases the scent of bacon.