Camo is proper for any occasion. It’s good for drinkin’ beers, huntin’ deers and scarin’ queers. Merica.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
If you are looking for a bad girl, I have been known to shop at the art supply store on days they aren’t having a sale…
The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.
ME: Ha, like the movie.
CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.
ME: Ha, like the comedian.
ME: Ha, like a mime…
“After the tone please say your name”
Me: *nervous* Your name
Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*