The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Nomnomnomnom
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices