@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

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@CloydRivers

Camo is proper for any occasion. It’s good for drinkin’ beers, huntin’ deers and scarin’ queers. Merica.

@maughammom

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

@fro_vo

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

@sixfootcandy

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

@poizngrl

If you are looking for a bad girl, I have been known to shop at the art supply store on days they aren’t having a sale…

@NotthatAdamWest

The scariest thing about survival of the fittest is that it means the idiots currently surrounding you are the best evolution has to offer.

@TheTobbie

CASHIER: 300.

ME: Ha, like the movie.

CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.

ME: Ha, like the comedian.

CASHIER: …

ME: Ha, like a mime…

@brynnester

[Conference Call]
“After the tone please say your name”
*Tone*
Me: *nervous* Your name

@hazelmotes1

Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”

@Reverend_Scott

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*