The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Is this you?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.