[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
You Might Also Like
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*
“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”
3 eyed grandson “really?”
Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’