@Born2bVild

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

@evidentlyblonde

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

@juliussharpe

I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”

@tnylgn

If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.

@man_spach

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

@theshamingofjay

2065

*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*

“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”

3 eyed grandson “really?”

@slyoung5

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

@ErrenMichaels

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’