The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

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[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)



When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”


I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”


If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.



*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*

“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”

3 eyed grandson “really?”


Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.


[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’