The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
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cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.