The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
huge if true: the moon
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Good morning y’all ☀️
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train