The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
True
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
WTF
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean